Craig Rants
by Walter Bryan Cranston White
Summary: Craig becomes a TV star because of his rants. But sometimes fame and fortune comes at a price


South Park elementary.

Cafeteria.

Everyone at the boy's table were having lunch.

Token: So did anyone see The Rise of Skywalker at the weekend?

Kyle: I did. Thought it was a good conclusion.

Tweek: Same here.

Craig: I thought it was shit.

Butters: What?

Craig: I thought it was shit.

Tweek: Craig.

Craig: What? It's just an opinion.

Cartman: I thought it was kewl.

Craig: I didn't like this movie. Because it was too rushed, the acting was a little mediocre, too many characters and-

Cartman: It was a better ending than Game of Thrones.

Craig: I didn't finish.

Tweek: I told you not to go off on a rant in front of everybody.

Cartman: Listen to your boyfriend Craig, no one cares.

They continue to eat.

Craig: Also-

Cartman: Didn't you hear me Craig? No one gives two shits about your rants.

Craig flips Cartman off.

Craig: Up yours.

DVD store.

Craig was at the store buying a movie.

Guy at the counter: Oh my God! Somebody's buying a DVD!

Craig: Why are you bothered by it?

Guy at the counter: Sorry, it's just I rarely get any customers ever since streaming services popped up.

Craig: I actually like both of them.

Craig walked up to the counter.

The guy at the counter was smoking weed.

Craig: You gonna scan the movie?

Guy at the counter: What? Sorry, I'm too high to do it.

Craig: Are you serious?!

Guy at the counter: Just give me a couple of minutes.

Craig: This is why weed should've stayed illegal. I get it doesn't technically cause problems to the body, but it can cause problems to the people around you. It smells like shit and they won't be able to do anything because they'll be stoned off their asses.

Guy at the counter: Well I'm not scanning your movie now.

Craig: Oh, fuck you.

A guy approached Craig.

The guy looked like Bob Odenkirk.

Guy: Excuse me?

Craig: What do you want? You wanna say how good weed is?

Guy: No. I'm actually an agent.

Craig: Federal?

Agent: No. Like a talent agent. Every time. My name is John Odenkirk, no relation to Bob Odenkirk, yet I somehow look and sound like him.

Craig: What do you want?

John: Like I said, talent agent. What's your name?

Craig: Craig Tucker.

John: How would you like a TV show where you try and get your points across?

Craig: What do you want me to rant about?

John: It can be anything, topical news, entertainment news, everyday occurrences that drive you nuts, anything. I just want you to rant.

Craig: But don't ranters like Bill Maher get a lot of shit?

John: That's because it's Bill Maher and you don't seem like him at all. So what do you say? How about your own TV show where you rant? I could ask a TV exec to try and fund your show.

Craig: Uh...

Craig thinks back to what people said

Tweek (Voice): I told you not to go off on a rant in front of everybody...body...body...body.

Cartman (Voice): No one gives two shits about your rants...rants...rants...rants.

Craig: Yes.

John: Brilliant. What movie were you buying by the way?

Craig: Brokeback Mountain.

John: Oh. You having romantic movie night with your partner?

Craig: Are you saying that because I'm gay?

John: Wait you're gay. Don't get me wrong I don't have a problem with it.

Craig: I'm actually buying Brokeback Mountain because me and my boyfriend have Jake Gyllenhaal night on Fridays.

John: Oh cool.

The next day.

TV studio.

John: And this is why, this little dude could be a star. So what do you say? Will you fund a show for him?

TV Exec: Well, I heard his rant about Disney. Can he do anything that refers to politics?

John: Take it away.

Craig: You know what's stupid? Our President. He goes on saying that his opinion's right all the time and he keeps lying. Even when he's being impeached he still thinks we're all lying. That was just a teaser.

TV Exec: That was...awful.

Craig and John sighed.

TV Exec: Ly, brilliant. I'll start funding the show right away.

Craig: Really?

TV Exec: Of course. You could be like Bill Maher, only not as much as an asshole.

Craig: For a second I was about to flip you off.

Tweek residence.

Tweek was flicking through the channels.

Tweek: What if there's nothing on?! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Richard (Tweek's Dad) walked in.

Richard: Tweek, take it easy.

Tweek: Sorry Dad.

Tweek flicked to the next channel and a commercial played.

_Guy: I'm tired of Bill Maher thinking he's right all the time. I better watch Craig._

_A sign showed up that said "Craig's weekday rants"._

_Another guy: I'm getting seriously board of John Oliver's boring voice. I better watch Craig._

_Suddenly Craig showed up on TV._

_Craig: Hi, I'm Craig Tucker. I'm 10 years old. People call me boring, a negative nancy or just plain stupid for having a different opinion. But I want people to know I have an opinion and I want to share it. So watch me as a I tell a rant or two every weekday at 4:00 in the afternoon, live._

_Craig than winks as the camera zooms in on him._

Tweek sat in shock.

Tweek: What?!

South Park elementary.

Craig was walking down the hall as everyone was eyeing at him and whispering.

Tweek walked up to Craig.

Tweek: You have your own TV show?

Craig: Yeah.

Tweek: Why didn't you tell me?

Craig: I wanted to surprise you. Aren't you happy?

Tweek: Happy?! (Tweek twitched) I don't know. I don't think everyone wants to hear your negative attitude.

Butters: Hey Craig, I'm looking forward to your show.

Tweek: Well except for him.

Kevin: Hey Craig, looking forward to your show.

Wendy: Yeah. I'm totally sick of listening to Bill Maher.

Tweek: So everyone's looking forward to Craig's show?

Everyone: Yeah.

Stan: You should really support him Tweek.

Tweek: Well (Tweek twitched) AAAAAHHHH! Too much pressure.

Tweek ran into the girl's bathroom.

Nichole (Off-Screen): Hey!

Tweek ran out of the bathroom.

Tweek: Sorry. I'm too angry to notice.

Craig flipped the bird at the door to the boy's bathroom.

Broflovski residence.

Kyle was having a viewing party with Stan, Heidi, Cartman, Tweek, Kenny, Timmy, Token, Nichole, Jimmy, Butters, Nelly, Clyde, Scott and Sophie.

Stan: Come on Kyle, it's almost starting.

Kyle: Coming. I was just getting myself some soda.

Kyle sat on the couch.

Stan notices Tweek looking displeased.

Stan: Come on Tweek, you should be pleased.

Tweek: I don't know if I should though I-

Token: Ssshhh. The show is starting.

The show started.

_The intro was just the American national anthem playing with a picture of Craig standing in front of the American flag._

_Craig: Hi, welcome to Craig Rants. You know what's going on my mind today? China. Look I have nothing against China in general but I just hate their government. Their government is just so whiny. They think they have the right to change our movies? Fuck you! You can't change our movies. They seem to have a huge problem with homosexuality being shown in movies. Fuck you China! This is why you're having those riots, because they're sick of you making everything illegal!_

Broflovski residence.

Everyone was shocked to hear what Craig just said.

Stan: Whoah.

Scott: He's definitely not gonna be allowed in China.

TV studio.

Craig just finished the show.

John approaches Craig.

John: Craig baby. That was brilliant.

Craig: Yeah.

John: I'm not gonna lie, you blew me away. Everything you said about China was absolutely true. I saw Bohemian Rhapsody in China and I said to myself "I thought this movie was supposed to be 10 minutes longer".

The TV exec approaches John and Craig.

TV Exec: Boys, the ratings are in.

John: And?

TV Exec: It's not good news.

Craig and John frown.

TV Exec: And it's not great news either.

Craig and John continue frowning.

TV Exec: And it's not fantastic news.

Craig: Is he usually this dramatic?

John: Not all the time.

TV Exec: And it's not excellent news.

Craig: Get to the point!

TV Exec: Sorry. The ratings are brilliant. We just beaten Huntin and Killing with Jimbo and Ned. Craig I think you're gonna become a star.

Craig: Hell yeah! Now my boyfriend will realise that people will wanna listen to my rants.

South Park elementary.

Craig was walking down the hallway as people started to applaud him.

Mr Mackey: Well said Craig. Mmkay.

Clyde: I totally agree with your opinion.

Craig: Thank you guys.

Craig approaches Tweek.

Craig: Hey Tweek.

Tweek: I watched your show Craig. To be honest it wasn't that bad.

Craig: Really?

Tweek: Yeah. I'm dating a celebrity. (Tweek twitches) AAAAAHHHHH! What if I get paparazzi following me everywhere I go?! AAAAAHHHHH What if they watch me sleep?!

Craig: Take it easy Tweek. Everything's gonna be fine.

China.

The Chinese President (Xi Jinping) is watching Craig Rants on his flatscreen.

Secretary (Speaking Chinese): Sir? You called?

Xi (Speaking Chinese): Yes. Tell everyone that Craig Tucker is officially banned in Chi-

Suddenly a brick hits Xi in the back of the head.

Xi (Speaking Chinese): Not another riot.

Back in South Park.

TV Studio.

Craig: -And that is why I think Disney is just a corrupt company. Thanks, I've been Craig Tucker.

Craig flips the camera off.

Craig: Fuck you if you whine about my opinion.

Craig walks backstage.

John: Amazing show once again Craig. I just got word from our TV Exec that the ratings are better than the last episode's.

Craig: That's great John.

Craig wasn't all that excited.

John: What's wrong? I thought you'd be a little bit excited about the news.

Craig: I don't really give two shits about the ratings, I'm doing this show just to get my points across.

John: I see. Anyway, me and the fellas are celebrating and we were curious if you could join us?

Craig: I promised my boyfriend I'd hang out with him.

John: Ok.

Suddenly a phone starts ringing.

John answers it.

John: Hello?

Craig: I'll see you later John.

John: Why yes he's here...Craig.

Craig: What is it?

John: There's somebody on the phone who wants to speak with you.

John hands the phone to Craig.

Craig: Hello?...Jimmy Fallon?!...Why yes I will gladly be a guest on your show...This Sunday?!...Ok of course.

John: So, is that a yes?

Craig: Hell yeah it is. You know what? I'll stay with you for a bit.

John: Weren't you supposed to be going?

Craig: Come on, I'm gonna be a guest star on Jimmy Fallon, this calls for a celebration.

Later.

Craig is drinking some soda.

John: Hey Craig, you want any coffee I bought from a locally brewed store called Tweek's?

Craig: Tweek's? Oh fuck!

Craig ran out of the studio.

John: Hey, don't you want the cake we made?

Later.

Buga De Faggocini.

Tweek was sitting by a table which had an empty seat on the other side.

Craig ran into the restaurant.

Craig: Sorry I'm late Tweek.

Tweek: Late! You're three fucking hours late Craig! What took you so long?!

Craig: I just got some news. I'm gonna be on Jimmy Fallon this Sunday and I just had to celebrate.

Tweek: That's it?! You're gonna be on Jimmy Fallon!

Craig: Yeah.

Tweek: Well I think it's cool you're gonna be on Jimmy Fallon, but you are still three hours late!

Craig: Look, can we just continue with this date?

Tweek left his seat.

Craig: Tweek, come on.

Tweek flips off Craig.

Craig: Hey! I'm the one who's supposed to be doing the flipping off.

Sunday night.

Announcer: Please welcome your host, Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon entered the stage whilst everyone applauded.

Jimmy Fallon: Hello, welcome to the tonight show. Our guest tonight is a 10 year old boy from a small mountain town in Colorado that has only been famous for four days. And I gotta be honest that is unbelievable. He is the host of Craig Rants and makes me happy that I don't have to sit at home and listen to Bill Maher.

The audience laughs.

Jimmy Fallon: He's the host of Craig Rants everybody, give it up for Craig Tucker.

Craig enters the stage and sits on the seat across from Jimmy Fallon.

Tweek residence.

Tweek was watching the show whilst twitching like crazy.

Back on the show.

Jimmy and Craig shake each other's hands before Craig eventually sat down.

Jimmy Fallon: Welcome to the show Craig, I gotta tell you how much of a fan of your work I am.

Craig: Thank you. Although I still don't understand how I became famous this quick.

Jimmy Fallon: I became famous a little too slow.

The audience laughed.

Craig: That wasn't really that funny.

Jimmy Fallon: So tell me Craig, do your family support you?

Craig: When I told them that I was getting a TV show, my Dad thought I was bullshitting. But than he watched the show. But yes, my whole family supports me.

Jimmy Fallon: Are your family here tonight?

Craig: Yes. They must be in the audience somewhere. Wait I see them.

The audience cheers as the Tuckers start waving at Craig.

Craig: Why does everyone in the audience cheer at everything?

Jimmy Fallon: So Craig, do you have any new material your working on?

Craig: Actually I do.

Jimmy Fallon: Would you like to share it with us? What do you say folks?

The audience starts cheering.

Jimmy Fallon: Do you wanna hear what Craig's planning?

Craig: You wanna hear it?

Thomas (Craig's Dad): Go on Craig.

Craig: Alright. I'll tell you something that really pisses me off, Elizabeth Banks. Why is she blaming us for Charlie's Angels bombing? Now I saw the movie, I personally thought it was shit. It's not because I don't think women should do action movies, hell I love Wonder Woman. You complain so much about Sexism Miss Banks, that you don't know that you're being sexist towards us.

Jimmy applauds Craig and so does the audience.

Craig: That was just a teaser, I'm still working on it.

South Park elementary.

Craig was walking down the hall with everyone looking at him and whispering about him again.

Tweek approached Craig.

Tweek: We need to talk.

Craig: Is it about my appearance on Jimmy Fallon?

Tweek: Yeah! Actually.

Craig: What was wrong with it?

Tweek: Nothing Craig. It's just you abandoned me again for your career.

Craig: What do you mean?

Tweek: Did you realise what that Sunday was Craig?

Craig: No.

Tweek: It was our anniversary! You're letting fame go over your head Craig!

Craig: Tweek, it's hard to balance fame and relationships at the same time you know this. Look, I'll try and get us some time for ourselves this Saturday, ok?

Tweek: Alright Craig, this is your last chance.

Craig: Ok.

Tweek walks away.

Whilst Craig flipped him off from behind.

Tweek: And if you're flipping me off from behind, get ready mister.

TV Studio.

Craig: Hi welcome to Craig Rants. You know what's annoying? Couples who don't support whatever their partner is doing.

Broflovski residence.

Kyle was having another viewing party.

Cartman: Oh he got you there Tweek.

Tweek: What the fuck?!

_Craig: Like, if they have a job the partner should be supportive of their work. Fuck you those who don't support their partners lively hoods, you should be ashamed of yourself._

Tegridy Farms.

Randy: You hear that Sharon, you should be ashamed of yourself for not supporting my business.

_Craig: They are working their asses off to have money so they can buy the shit you want!_

Tweek: That son of a bitch!

After the show.

John: Craig, excellent once again.

Craig: Thanks John.

John: Nice rant about how most partners don't support what their significant others are doing. My wife wants me to work at Dairy Queen, but I'm like "Nah. I wanna be a talent agent". And she still-

Craig: Yeah I think I get the point John.

John: What's wrong? You ok?

Craig: I just hope my boyfriend doesn't take this personally. He doesn't support what I'm doing.

John: Do you know why?

Craig: No.

John: Craig, take my advice. Ask him why he doesn't support what you do. My wife wants me to work at Dairy Queen because I'm apparently brilliant at cleaning the floor.

Craig: Yeah, you're right John. Thanks.

John: Hey, that's why you're my client.

Craig: Did we beat anyone in the ratings?

John: We beaten Bill Maher.

Craig: I know I said I don't care about the ratings, but I'm glad I've beaten Bill Maher.

The next day.

South Park elementary.

Craig was at his locker, until Tweek approached him.

Tweek: I watched your show. This was a rant mainly about me right?

Craig: No, it was a rant about how some partners don't support what their significant other does.

Tweek: It was mainly about me Craig and you know it!

Craig: Well it's because you don't support me at what I do! Why don't you support me Tweek?!

Tweek: Do you wanna know why I don't support you?

Craig: Yes, that is what I was asking.

Tweek: Because I am scared what all this fame might do to you. I'm scared that you'll be too focused on your career rather than me. That's why. And so far, you're too focused on your career.

Craig: I'm just getting my hands tied a lot Tweek.

Tweek: And that's it. Do you care about me Craig?

Craig: Of course I do Tweek.

Tweek: Than why are you always putting fame in front of me?

Craig: Because I still want to get my point across to people.

Tweek: So you'd rather get your point across than spend time with me?

Craig: I still wanna spend time with you Tweek. But I don't know if we will, with so much going on. I don't know when I'll be able to spend time with you. Tweek, I think we should breakup.

Tweek: What?!

Craig: I'm sorry Tweek. But I've got so much going on.

Tweek: So you're abandoning me for some fucking career?! Fuck you!

Tweek leaves Craig.

The students looked on in shock and disgust.

Craig: What?! This is my choice! Fuck all of you!

Clyde: Wow Craig. Even for you that is a dick move.

Craig: You know what? Fuck you! Fuck all of you!

Clyde: Wow. That's a little h-

Craig: Shut the fuck up Clyde. You're a great big pussy who cries at everything.

Clyde: That's not-

Craig taps Clyde on the cheek.

Clyde starts crying.

Stan: Jesus Craig y-

Craig: Oh there he is right here. Mr "I'm so depressed I want to leave this fucking farm". Everyday with you Stan "Take me off this farm" this "Get me off this farm that" I got some news for ya, I don't care. And you would've gotten off that farm if you just followed China's demands. And here's another newsflash, somebody from fucking China is funding my show.

Everyone gasped.

Stan: Wow. That was harsh.

Wendy: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Craig: Hey everybody, it's Wendy Testaburger AKA Miss hypocrite. She stands for women's rights, but let's not forget when Bebe blossomed, she started shaming her and got a boob job just to get her back. Did you forget about those scars Wendy?

Wendy stood shocked.

Wendy than looked down on herself in shame.

Craig: And Jimmy, I'll have you know your jokes aren't funny. The only reason why people laugh at you is because they feel sorry for you.

Jimmy: H-h-hey I only got here. W-what was happening?

Craig: Scott Malkinson, your lisp is fucking annoying. (Starts imitating Scott) "I'm Scott Malkinson, I have a lisp and diabetes".

Scott: When will people stop mocking me for having a lisp?!

Craig: Bebe Stevens, the biggest slut in this school. Doesn't care about anyone else but her looks.

Bebe starts crying.

Kyle: Craig I think you ju-

Craig: Kyle Broflovski, you just have too much good intentions, but you never use them any more!

Kyle: Hey I do ha-Wow I haven't done anything that have good intentions for a while.

Craig: And Kenny, you're like the only decent person despite your low income.

Kenny: Phew. At least I got off easy.

Cartman laughs.

Cartman: Oh my God, this is amazing.

Craig: And as for you Cartman, you are the worst person I have ever met. You're the biggest dick I have ever met.

PC Principal: Craig Tucker you're gonna get two weeks detention if you don't stop.

Craig: Wait I recognise that voice, it's PC Principal AKA Mr "I want everyone to have the same opinions as me". Well here's an idea PC Principal instead of forcing your opinions down people's throats, how about you fucking accept them instead of being the biggest douchebag in existence?!

PC Principal: Mr Tucker, you're gonna get detention!

Craig: I won't. You wanna know why? Because I'm leaving this school.

Craig opens the doors that lead to the exit.

Craig: Thank you, I'm Craig Tucker.

Craig flips everyone off.

Craig: Fuck you if you whine about my opinion.

Craig leaves the school.

Timmy: Timmy?

Craig (Narrating): And so for the next few weeks, I was the biggest thing on television. I ranted about Brie Larson, Bill Maher, Britain, Our President and many other things. But today I plan to do my biggest rant. And here I am, sitting in my dressing room getting ready for the big moment.

John enters the dressing room.

John: Hey Craig, you'll be on in a few minutes.

Craig: Thank you John.

Craig was looking kind of nervous.

John: You seem kind of nervous.

Craig: John, this rant may get me into a lot of trouble. I'm just scared what might happen to me.

John: Well from what I've seen from you, your rants haven't caused any controversy or complaints.

Craig: I guess you're right.

John: Now come on. It's showtime.

A few moments later.

Craig's show begins.

Craig: Hi, welcome to Craig Rants. Tonight may have to be my most controversial rant. You see I come from a town that shames you if you do something wrong. But I'm not gonna rant about my town I'm gonna rant about the one thing that makes my town what it is. You wanna know something that pisses me off? Tegridy Farms.

Tegridy Farms.

Randy spat out his drink.

_Craig: Tegridy Farms is the reason why my whole town is becoming stupid. For example Randy Marsh got away with terrorism because Mexican Joker turned out to be real. But they had fucking evidence. And ever since cocaine got legalised my town has become stupider, because of Tegridy Farms! Fuck you Randy Marsh, fuck you!_

Broflovski residence.

Everyone watching was shocked.

Stan: Jesus dude.

The next day.

Tegridy Farms

Randy was grumbling outside his house.

Randy: What is wrong with me? I bring Tegridy to everybody. God.

Randy enters his house to find familiar faces sitting on his couch.

And those familiar faces were Mickey Mouse, Mr Garrison, Brie Larson, President Xi and Bill Maher.

Mr Garrison: Hello Randy, we need to talk.

Randy: About what?

Bill Maher: Mr Marsh we were all affected by Craig Tucker and his rants.

Mickey: Yeah. Because of that evil little shit, people have started to doubt if I am to be trusted. Ha Ha.

Bill Maher: And because of him I'm losing views.

Xi: And because of Craig, China is losing tourists.

Brie Larson: And because of him Hollywood is refusing to hire me despite my Oscar.

Mr Garrison: And because of him people are saying I'm gonna be impeached, when in reality I'm not.

Randy: And because of him, I haven't had any customers.

Mr Garrison: It's about time we do something with that evil little shit.

Randy: Well we can't arrest him because making fun of us isn't technically a crime. And we can't sue him because his lawyer is the best.

Mickey: Than what do we do? Ha ha.

They all sat thinking.

Brie: I got it.

Randy: Is it another-

Brie: Shut up! You sexist pig!

Randy: I didn't say anything sex-

Brie: There you go again!

Bill: How about you-

Brie: Shut up! You sexist pig!

Mickey: Alright it's official, she is not gonna be a part of this revenge team.

Brie: That's because you're sexist!

Mr Garrison: No it's because you're a bitch.

Brie: Sexist attitude!

Mickey: Brie! Get out or your fired!

Brie: Fine! You sexist mouse!

Brie left the house.

Randy: I think I have an idea.

The next day.

Craig was on his phone writing the script for his next episode until he got a text from Stan.

Craig: He wants to talk to me?

The text read "Hey Craig. We really wanna congratulate you for your success and we wanna celebrate by having a party at my place".

Craig texted back by saying, "But I treated all of you like shit".

The next text by Stan said "Yeah, well. Everyone forgives you and so does Tweek".

Craig texted back by saying, "Alright. I'm coming. When's the party?"

Stan texted back again by saying, "The party's today actually. It started 5 minutes ago".

Craig texted back by saying, "Ok. I'm coming".

Craig: I don't know why, but this does seem suspicious.

Craig exists his house and makes his way to Tegridy Farms.

Later that same day.

Tweek was knocking on the door of the Tucker residence.

Thomas (Craig's Dad) answered.

Thomas: Why, hello Tweek. What can I do for you?

Tweek: Hey Mr Tucker, is Craig home?

Thomas: He went to a party at the Marshes. He said everyone will be there including you.

Tweek: Oh yeah. The party I better-Wait, I wasn't informed of any party.

Thomas: Maybe Stan forgot to inform you.

Tweek: No, I saw Stan and his friends playing basketball. Somethings not right. Oh God, what if Craig's not okay! What if he's in danger?!

Tegridy Farms.

Craig woke up tied to a chair.

Craig: What the fuck?

Randy: Hello Mr Tucker.

Craig: What is this all about?

Mickey: What do you think it is? Ha ha.

Xi: Everything you said about my country made tourism decrease.

Craig: Than stop being such a whiny government.

Xi: Why you-

President Xi was about to punch Craig, but Mr Garrison stopped him.

Mr Garrison: Mr Xi, please don't.

Craig: What do you want?

Bill: We want you to cancel your show.

Craig: No.

Randy: What?

Craig: No. I'm not cancelling my show.

Bill: Cancel your s-

Craig: No.

Mickey: Shut dow-

Craig: Go fuck Minnie.

Mickey: Why you evil piece of-

Mickey was about to punch Craig but Randy stopped him.

Randy: Mickey.

Xi: We knew this wasn't gonna go well. So me and the President kidnapped the TV Exec and your agent.

Mr Garrison grabs the TV Exec and John who were tied to chairs.

John: What the hell is going on Craig?

TV Exec: This is just shit.

Randy: We want you to cancel your show.

TV Exec: Are you kidding me? This is the highest rated show I have ever produced. And I will die if I cancel it.

Mickey: Ok.

Mickey grabs a pistol and shoots the TV Exec in the head.

Randy: Holy shit!

John: Oh God! Please don't kill me, I've got a wife and kid. And if you shoot me-

Mickey shoots John in the leg.

John screams.

Randy: We weren't supposed to kill anyone!

Mickey: Maybe we will.

Bill: I'm usually against killing, but I think killing's our only option.

Xi: I agree.

Mr Garrison: Same.

John: But don't kill me for God sake.

Craig: Even if you kill me, you'll all be arrested for child murder. Except for the world leaders.

Xi: Diplomatic immunity rules.

Mr Garrison: I know right?

Mickey: Listen you little shit, I'm gonna count to three and you're gonna cancel your show.

Mickey holds the gun to Craig's head.

Mickey: 1.

Craig: I'm not cancelling.

Mickey: 2.

Craig: Fuck you, you money greedy bastard.

Mickey: 2 and a quarter.

Craig: Go fuck your money.

Mickey: 2 and a half.

Tweek suddenly bursts through the door holding a shotgun.

Tweek: Let him go.

Craig: Tweek. That's my man.

Tweek: I still want to talk to you about abandoning me for a TV show.

Craig: Right in the middle of a hostage situation?

Bill: I say we ignore these gays and continue with this hostage situation.

Tweek: Shut up Bill Maher! You fucking homophobe!

Mickey: Enough! This shaky boy isn't gonna shoot us.

Tweek: I might! AAAAAAHHHHHH!

Mr Garrison: You don't have the guts Tweek admit it.

John: Can anyone help me? I'm bleeding to death here!

Xi: You shut up!

Randy: Tweek, I want you to put down the gun.

Tweek: No! Because you blew up my backyard and gave me recurring dreams about me blowing up!

Mr Garrison: He didn't do it, it was Mexican Joker.

Tweek: We had evidence Mr Marsh did it and you just let him get away with it.

Xi: Wow, you let a terrorist get away with terrorism, that is absolutely retarded.

Mr Garrison: What does that mean Mr "I'm not trying my best to stop street riots"?

Xi: I am trying my best.

Mr Garrison: But not hard enough.

Xi: You fucking money greedy American.

Mickey: Not all of us are money greedy.

Bill: Actually you are. Because when you do Star Wars you don't bother to tell a story that doesn't piss off the fan base.

Mickey: You shut it Bill Maher. Ha ha.

Mr Garrison: Yeah listen to the mouse. You and your talks about me being impeached are complete lies! I'm not being impeached.

Mickey: Actually you are. You're just in denial about it.

Mr Garrison: You're just a money greedy company!

Xi: You're a giant douche.

Bill: You keep falling for Mickey's bribes.

Mickey: You take pride in yourself!

Xi: I do keep falling for your bribes.

Mr Garrison: You're an incompetent leader.

Bill: So are you.

Xi: I don't know you, but you sound like a jerk.

Mickey: You only care about money as well. Ha ha.

Mr Garrison: You don't have balls anymore you just pretend to be PC.

Mickey: You're a liar!

Bill: I refuse to work with all of you! I'm out.

Bill left.

Mickey: Same here. I'm going home to fuck my wife.

Mickey left.

Xi: I don't work with people who allow terrorists get away with terrorism.

Xi left.

Mr Garrison: Fuck all of you.

Mr Garrison left.

Randy: Hey where are you going? Come back.

Randy turned his attention to Craig.

Randy: Look on the bright side, at least we don't have to kill you. But you will still cancel your show.

Craig: No.

Tweek: Now, let him go!

Randy: No! Because of him my business is screwed. You know what? Fuck it.

Randy grabs the pistol.

Randy aims it at Craig.

Craig: You have the guts to kill a child?! Do you have any idea how many more customers you'll lose because of it?

Randy: Shut up you business killer.

Tweek: Kill him and I'll kill you!

Randy: Do you have the guts to?

Tweek: Yeah! I do!

Craig: Tweek, don't!

Tweek: Shut up Craig!

Randy: Tweek, just give me the gun.

Tweek: Let go of Craig and I will.

Randy: Never!

Tweek pulls the trigger of the shotgun and there was a click.

Tweek tried again but there were more clicks.

Randy: Ha. Looks like I'll have to cancel your show, forever.

Randy aims the gun at Craig.

Whilst Tweek stood frozen in fear.

Craig: Wait, before you kill me I would like to say a few things.

Randy: Now what?

Craig: Tweek, I want to say I'm sorry. You were right, I was letting fame go over my head. It's just I've never had this many people listen to what I had to say. I'm sorry for breaking up with you and I'm sorry for not being there. I just wished that if I didn't die, I hope we could try and fix things Tweek. Tweek, I love you.

Craig had tears in his eyes. Which is something Tweek thought he'd never see.

Tweek: Oh Craig.

Tweek also started to get emotional.

Randy: That was sweet. But I'll still have to kill you Craig.

Suddenly Mr White walked in.

Mr White: Excuse me Randy, do you have anymore of that Christmas snow?

Randy: Not now Mr White. I get you support my business no matter what, but-

Suddenly Stephen walked in as well.

Stephen: Randy, we need some Christmas snow.

Randy: Wait, we?

Mr White: Yeah. We all came for your Christmas snow.

Randy looked outside to see a lot of his customers queuing up.

Randy: But I haven't had any of you show up for a few days.

Stephen: Well that's because we weren't low on Christmas snow. Why are you holding Craig at gunpoint?

Randy realises this and throws the gun away.

Stephen: Randy! You can't hold children at gunpoint! What is wrong with you?!

Randy: I can explain.

Stephen: You know what. I'll come back when you realise what you did.

Everyone left but except for Mr White.

Randy: Wow. I fucked up big time. No one wants my coke.

Mr White: I'm right here!

Tweek runs up to Craig and unties him from the chair.

Tweek: Craig!

Tweek and Craig hug each other.

Craig: Oh Tweek.

Tweek: Craig if you want to continue your show I'll do m-

Craig: No.

Tweek: What?

Craig: No Tweek. John!

John: What?! In case you've forgotten I'm still bleeding to death!

Craig: I want to end my show.

Randy: Yeah! I won! Yeah! Fuck you!

Randy started doing a little dance.

Craig: Mr Marsh. I'm not doing it for you.

Randy stopped dancing.

Randy: What?

Craig: It's not because you held me at gunpoint and threatened to take my life. I'm doing it for my man.

Tweek was surprised.

Tweek: Craig.

Craig: I know Tweek. And I'm going back to school.

Tweek: But people might be-

Craig: I'll try and gain back my dignity one way or another.

John: Hey what are you gonna do with this dead body? And also I know a lot of you people have had a hard day, but when you have the time I'd not wanna spend the rest of the day bleeding on this fucking floor!

Randy sat on the couch confused.

Randy: Did I win?

The next day.

South Park elementary.

Craig was walking down the hallway looking nervous.

But Tweek was holding his hand trying to calm him down for once.

Everyone started glaring at Craig.

Craig's gang (Jimmy, Token and Clyde) approached Craig.

Clyde: Craig.

Craig: Ok. I know what I've done everyone and I really wanna apologise. I'm sorry for being a massive dick. I just let the fame go ov-

Clyde: Shut up Craig. We just wanna say, welcome back buddy.

Craig: What? You're welcoming me back after everything I've said?

Token: Yeah.

Craig: This is too sappy even for me. You should all just be hating me and glaring at me and-

Clyde: Shut the fuck up Craig and play football with us.

Craig's gang went out to play football.

Craig: They just can't forgive me after all that.

Tweek: You still want to play football.

Craig stood for a while.

Craig: Oh fuck it.

Craig and Tweek went to find their gang.

Epilogue.

Tweek residence.

Tweek, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Wendy, Heidi, Token, Nichole, Scott, Sophie, Jimmy, Butters, Nelly, Timmy, Clyde and Bebe were having a viewing party.

Clyde: I've been waiting for this all week.

Stan: Same.

Tweek: I'm so proud of him.

_Announcer: Tonight on HBO. It's Real Time With Bill Maher._

_Bill: Hi. Welcome to Real Time. Joining me tonight to discuss more about our incompetent president are one time Academy Award winner, Al Pacino, the head of Disney, Mickey Mouse, the best President Garrison impersonator, Stephen Baldwin, the President of China, Xi Jinping and I'm very lucky to have him in the studio despite the cancellation of his show and I've had a very bad run in with him, it's Craig Tucker._

Tweek: Go Craig!

_Bill: Now I think we should start discussing more about Garrison's impeachment. I still don't know why he's in denial about it._

_Craig: He just thinks it's all fake news._

_Mickey: Or maybe he's smoking too much of that legalised weed._

_Al Pacino: I say the latter._

_Xi: This was why weed is illegal in China. Turns people into fucking idiots._

_Al Pacino: But weed can be good with medical problems._

_Craig: But it doesn't stop from turning people into gigantic morons._

Tegridy Farms.

Sharon and Shelly laughed whilst Randy groaned.

Randy: He just needs some Te-

Sharon: Randy, shut up for once!


End file.
